Esquire magazine’s The Rules – A man’s guide to LIFE. I picked up a copy. Of the 668 they listed, I shortlisted the ones I found worth sharing.
Lucky you who didn’t have to spend money on the book and still get to read! I bought 2 copies, hardbound, just because they’re excellent for lying on coffee tables, book jacket and all.
Rule No. 20. No group of people has worse hairstyles than men in government.
(I’m partial to men in the Defence Services.)
29. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you’re looking at her breasts.
(There might have also been a rule about how it’s no longer funny to call boobs chesticles.)
30. If you are a mentally retarded character in a movie, it is imperative that your pants be too short.
(Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man)
32. Talk half as much as you listen.
41. Never cook with wine that you wouldn’t want to drink.
52. The slang used by teens in TV dramas is exactly 3.5 years behind actual slang.
58. Never trust anyone who within five minutes of meeting you, tells you where he went to college.
59. Especially if he refers to his college as a “little school in Boston” followed by a pause as he waits for you to ask its name.
85. There is no shame in club soda or cranberry juice.
100. Lips that have actually been stung by bees are not all that erotic.
128. Unemployed men who dress as if they’re unemployed tend to stay unemployed.
141. Every great poet has, at least once, described the ocean as undulating.
150. Never begin an essay with a quote from the Bible.
(As if to begin with, Aerosmith lyrics are okay.)
154. When in doubt, go bowling.
170. The Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever is the most precisely named dog breed.
190. No one will ever tell you the chicken salad was not made today.
191. The best instrument is the Cello.
(Argue all you want, it’s a rule.)
192. The most underrated cake is carrot cake.
196. No woman over the age of 17 has ever been thrilled by the gift of carnations.
(I thought about this. And because they use ‘thrilled’ instead of ‘happy enough’, I must agree. I’m 25, as you know.)208. Religion causes some people to get really angry and others to grow long, funny beards.
218. Irony doesn’t work on a tombstone.
(Strange. I just finished reading my first Kundera. And you may have no idea of what I am talking, but in the book, I liked the epitaph: Here lies Karenin. He gave birth to two rolls and a bee.)
229. Desperate housewives don’t look like that.
(Yep. Sorry. No Eva Sexy Lingerie Longoria for you. Or even Susan.)
233. Yes, seat belts do indeed wrinkle your suit, but so do windshields.
243. People eager to get married can be trusted about as much as people eager to get elected.
253. The sexiest fruit is the fig, followed by the peach, the plum and the pomegranate.
(Chikoo ((Sapota)) is, I suppose, more cute than sexy.)
289. When someone sneezes four times in rapid succession, one “Bless You” will suffice.
299. If you are uncertain how much cologne is enough, you are not allowed to use cologne.
303. The quickest way to impress twins is to figure out which is which.
(I like this for it reeks of common sense.)
307. A complicated coffee order impresses no one.
310. Never wave at a video camera.
(Not even plain ol' camera?)
312. If you’re making a sign to be held up at a sporting event, it doesn’t hurt to use the dictionary.
313. "Irregardless" is not a word, irregardless of what you say.
314. Be wary the man who shakes your hand while remaining in his seat.
327. The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
346. High-fiving another man at a restaurant could very well be the reason you’re single.
(I love the guy who wrote this.)
353. Do not give yourself a nickname.
(No “THE G” even if it was borne out of playing some horrendous multi-player online game.)
374. Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.
384. Women who come from big families are more fun.
401. Sharing your Chap stick with a beautiful woman is not the same as making out with her. But it’s pretty darn close.
406. There’s a special circle in Hell reserved for those who adjust their rear view mirrors while you wait for their parking space.
(Whole hearted, chest-thumping agreement, no?)
412. Compulsively clicking “refresh” will not make people e-mail you.
428. From one dude to another: enough with the “dude” already.
443. The day that the New York Times referred to Snoop Doggy Dogg on second reference as Mr. Dogg was the day the whole formal news outlet edifice began to crumble.
(I am a journalist. And this makes me laugh.)
453. Only acceptable pick-up line: “Hi my name is [insert your name], what’s yours?”
455. Love does not mean never having to say you’re sorry. It means having to say you’re sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every week, every month, every year, until God grants you his mercy and finally, blissfully die.
457. Women like a man who likes women who eat.
478. Nobody cares about your dreams.
(Except maybe your Mummy.)
479. Being a regular at Starbucks is nothing to brag about.
508. After dinner, when you reach into your wallet a little more slowly than everyone else, trust us, they all notice.
571. No one ever buys the medium-sized condoms.
(Yet they don’t go out of production.)
577. When you die, they will find your porn.
601. A man who pronounces croissants as “kwa-sa” is not a man at all.
(I was flipping through the book and this rule made me buy it.)
603. Aspire to be the kind of person you’ve convinced your grandparents you already are.
613. Your wife is pregnant, not “preggers” or “pregs”
(Soulmates; writer and I.)
621. There are few things sadder than a man playing air guitar.
(I cheated. I edited. Rule said “40-year old man,” I found that too generous.)
622. If a young boy asks you to tell him a story, simply include a house with secret passageways and his satisfaction will be immediate.
655. Though jazz and brunch are acceptable when separated, the two should never be combined.
(This was the nasty-funny that made me buy one copy for my boyfriend.)
((The other rules-- some, most, nearly all -- are for my brother. Especially the dude, and the borrowed phrases. Although some, most, nearly all, might apply to you as well.))
660. The dumber the man, the louder he talks.
664. When speaking to an artist or writer concerning his or her work, be as vague as possible.
665. Use the term blogosphere as little as possible.
667. Only musicians have chops.
668. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Have a good time.
(And there is a picture of a smiling old man wearing a straw hat and plastic-flower garlands offering you a green drink with a cocktail umbrella in it.)