Thursday, May 27, 2010

Karma-karma-karma-karma KARMA chameleon!

Two years ago my friend, R, and I were doing a story on the occult. For ‘research’, we visited a past life regressionist, a karmic healer and a hypnotist. We underwent the hocus pocus alternatively and wrote the story in first person. So for past life regression, I was the candidate. The woman, healer, with a range of expensive perfumes in her bathroom, made me lie down on a four poster bed, and with waterfall sounds in the background emanating from her disc man, she said close your eyes and visualise birds chirping.

Then, the drone of instructions started: “you are going down a flight of stairs, deeper… and deeper… and deeper.”

This was doing nothing to me and her pronunciation of a certain word was driving me mad. There was also a singing mosquito that was coming closer to my ear.

I slept very badly that night. She had warned me as much – you may have an uneasy sleep for a few days. And I was to go back for more therapy, because Prada-healer said I had too much baggage for someone my age.

What pinched was that she didn’t give us a receipt for the 2 grand we paid, and so we losers couldn’t claim the money from office.

At the hypnotist, it was R’s turn. He took her down a few flights of consciousness too – the deeper and deeper treatment—but he wasn’t too bad, or too steep. Of course, there also we were to return, because her issues weren’t disappearing overnight either, but we were hungry after that session, and I wish I could remember where we ate lunch that day.

Now at the karmic healer, we both had our, well, karmas read. Her karma read marriage, and a food-business and that’s already one down. My karma was most bleak – that career wise, I should never do anything with my hands. What about writing?! That’s creative and to do with the mind -- um, ok. But the bit that threw me off was this: she said the SOLE purpose in my life, sole purpose, will be to RESOLVE CONFLICT. The SOLE purpose in my life is to RESOLVE CONFLICT! I don’t know if you’ve ever had your karma read, but this is only a little better than someone telling me I will die at 35 due to a mysterious fever. My poor future kids will be left motherless!

So anyway, I ask her, what do I do to change my karma? Can’t it become a little better, if I, I don’t know, work at it or something? Yea, no. I can feed rotis to all the cows I want on Thursdays, live as close to nature as I want, walk the grass barefoot every morning, and contort my body into as many yoga asans, but in this lifetime, I’m screwed. That’s what she said. I had to pay her for this. The next day she was at some page 3 party. Our karmic healer was a socialite. We’re allowed our outside-work dalliances but maybe she even knew our illiterate Prada-healer – deeper… and deeper… and deeper

Once the article came out, and our opinions of Mrs Social Butterfly were made public, Karma Singh threatened to sue us for not disclosing that we were with a newspaper. Soon after the threat, I saw her at the birthday- do of another socialite type, and embarrassed as I am to say this, I ducked. Like, really ran for cover! She didn’t see me and that evening ended fine. But maybe if we’d told her we were with so-and-so paper, she could’ve redirected my karma and altered the sole purpose in my life to be something less fuck-all. Because you know, now, often when things pisses me off – fights, family, boyfriend, just friends, paperwork, regular office-work, all I am doing is cursing that blasted karmic healer, and thinking grudgingly, what if the bitch was right.

4 comments:

adarkcomedycalledlife said...

WTF! That's bad. It won't even let you have a decent loud fight without feeling guilty about being The Resolver. More baggage, more resolving in next life. Shoot, now I'm just making this worse, right? :D

Have you heard of something called Nadi shastra? Apparently, those guys can actually trace out one's entire life from their thumb imprint, to the tiniest detail. Something with ancient records preserved on leaves! Did you map that too?

Mumbai Diva said...

this sure beats the tarot reader at one diwali mela who told me that the success in my life would be in direct proportion to the length of the earrings i wear ( aap bade earrings pehenna!!!) and hubby snorted with laughter right there and she was most angry.

The Unbearable Banishment said...

If you had mentioned you were with a paper, she might have given you the special media discount.

I absolutely hate conflict resolution. I hate conflict. Avoid it like the plague, even when it would be good for me to mix it up a bit.

Mayonnaise Toss said...

At a mela type place, I went to two astrologers in the same night - for fun. They both predicted diametrically opposite futures. The bitch will never be right. You earn ur own karma.