He finds their mediocrity unbearable.
A friend of mine, lets call her Little Assam, hit the nail on the head for me. We were on g-talk. I wanted to know how she liked the cake she picked up from boyfriend's bakery so I 'pinged' her.
Cake was good. Divine Chocolate. Very nice. Husband liked it. Except, the cake wasn't the problem; the company in which it was cut, was. LA started telling me about how her husband (who called an Assamese friend of LA a 'stupid whore' on new years' eve and got slapped by LA as a consequence; plates were broken, cold war was on, etc etc) still couldn't deal with most of her friends from back home, the Assamese. He finds their mediocrity unbearable, she typed. The Delhi ones, it seems, are alright. I'm a Delhi one.
Husband sounds like a stuck up kill-joy with an ego up his arse, I know. And he, no entertaining circus clown himself, can, yes, come across like that. He's not social. Rarely steps out. His forte is not communication. But he likes me so I'm biased. And anyway this isn't about my friend's husband.
Where do two non entities, you might ask, such as reserved hubby of LA and myself get off passing judgement on perfectly normal people? Who the hell do you think you are to call anyone else mediocre?! Sure, I hear these voices.
But here's where I do a non-Houdini and make this about me.
In the way Husband has a problem with LA's gang from back home, I have a problem with my boyfriend's gang from right here. I'm not saying I have a right to have this problem. Just who the hell... yea yea yea.
But this has to be in the top three things we fight about (the other two for another time, another blog).
-- If I can get on with your friends, why can't you get on with my friends?!
-- Because my friends are more fun and easier to get along with than the people you call your friends!
It's an ongoing row. I come up with excuses to not go for some of his friend dos. The ones I go for -- and I feel bad typing this knowing these sentences will be fed to his Google Reader shortly -- are sat through. They're gotten past. Survived. His family, I like. His friends, my head hurts. I get bored. We tried separate socialising. Didn't work. It doesn't help that he feels I find (some of) my ex-boyfriend's friends wildly sociable and have a better time, eating, drinking, going to the Gymkhana for Bloody Marys with them than with his gang of mutant turtles.
Fine! I'll try to not flinch is the horrible, hurtful thing I said last time he asked me to make more of an effort with his people.
But it's not always just mediocrity that's unbearable. Sometimes earnestness can thrash mediocrity and bring it down to two on the victory stand.
You can't make an effort, is what my chant has been. You either have a rapport or you don't. Most contrived thing, this business of trying to build some magical banter with slow pokes who are dreadfully nice but pitifully lacking in humour and charisma.
And I must defend myself. It's not that I don't like his friends. Or that I can't get along with them. I do my bit for his sake. Except for the stupid cows who use him to outsource their boring computer problems that he happily solves, all the while being completely oblivious to the manipulative streak in them, they're nice enough. Honest. When I meet them, I smile. We hug. I do and say all the right things. But the fact is I never have that sense of oh-look where the time went that I am guilty of sometimes when laughing like an epileptic hyena with some of my friends.
So, they're not my type. Big bloody deal. They're not my friends. I'm not theirs. And I've repeated this to death and it should be fine. Or am I wrong? They like me enough.I like them enough. But there's no sparkle in my memories and associations of time spent with them. Yes, it's inconvenient and depressing to look at socialising with your boyfriend's friends as a good deed/ an opportunity to observe the behaviour patterns of high street yuppies. But does not wanting to go out of my way to spend time with them necessarily spell doom for a relationship? He seems to think so.
A friend of mine, lets call her Little Assam, hit the nail on the head for me. We were on g-talk. I wanted to know how she liked the cake she picked up from boyfriend's bakery so I 'pinged' her.
Cake was good. Divine Chocolate. Very nice. Husband liked it. Except, the cake wasn't the problem; the company in which it was cut, was. LA started telling me about how her husband (who called an Assamese friend of LA a 'stupid whore' on new years' eve and got slapped by LA as a consequence; plates were broken, cold war was on, etc etc) still couldn't deal with most of her friends from back home, the Assamese. He finds their mediocrity unbearable, she typed. The Delhi ones, it seems, are alright. I'm a Delhi one.
Husband sounds like a stuck up kill-joy with an ego up his arse, I know. And he, no entertaining circus clown himself, can, yes, come across like that. He's not social. Rarely steps out. His forte is not communication. But he likes me so I'm biased. And anyway this isn't about my friend's husband.
Where do two non entities, you might ask, such as reserved hubby of LA and myself get off passing judgement on perfectly normal people? Who the hell do you think you are to call anyone else mediocre?! Sure, I hear these voices.
But here's where I do a non-Houdini and make this about me.
In the way Husband has a problem with LA's gang from back home, I have a problem with my boyfriend's gang from right here. I'm not saying I have a right to have this problem. Just who the hell... yea yea yea.
But this has to be in the top three things we fight about (the other two for another time, another blog).
-- If I can get on with your friends, why can't you get on with my friends?!
-- Because my friends are more fun and easier to get along with than the people you call your friends!
It's an ongoing row. I come up with excuses to not go for some of his friend dos. The ones I go for -- and I feel bad typing this knowing these sentences will be fed to his Google Reader shortly -- are sat through. They're gotten past. Survived. His family, I like. His friends, my head hurts. I get bored. We tried separate socialising. Didn't work. It doesn't help that he feels I find (some of) my ex-boyfriend's friends wildly sociable and have a better time, eating, drinking, going to the Gymkhana for Bloody Marys with them than with his gang of mutant turtles.
Fine! I'll try to not flinch is the horrible, hurtful thing I said last time he asked me to make more of an effort with his people.
But it's not always just mediocrity that's unbearable. Sometimes earnestness can thrash mediocrity and bring it down to two on the victory stand.
You can't make an effort, is what my chant has been. You either have a rapport or you don't. Most contrived thing, this business of trying to build some magical banter with slow pokes who are dreadfully nice but pitifully lacking in humour and charisma.
And I must defend myself. It's not that I don't like his friends. Or that I can't get along with them. I do my bit for his sake. Except for the stupid cows who use him to outsource their boring computer problems that he happily solves, all the while being completely oblivious to the manipulative streak in them, they're nice enough. Honest. When I meet them, I smile. We hug. I do and say all the right things. But the fact is I never have that sense of oh-look where the time went that I am guilty of sometimes when laughing like an epileptic hyena with some of my friends.
So, they're not my type. Big bloody deal. They're not my friends. I'm not theirs. And I've repeated this to death and it should be fine. Or am I wrong? They like me enough.I like them enough. But there's no sparkle in my memories and associations of time spent with them. Yes, it's inconvenient and depressing to look at socialising with your boyfriend's friends as a good deed/ an opportunity to observe the behaviour patterns of high street yuppies. But does not wanting to go out of my way to spend time with them necessarily spell doom for a relationship? He seems to think so.
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10 comments:
you make some excellent points in your blog. i can relate although i havent been in a situation like that. thats one of the best things about being single - you can hang out with who you want, do whatever, at whatever time.. my ex and i had very different friends, but because we were in a long distance relationship, when we met we werent forced to hang out with other people :) i'm pretty sure it would have caused issues if we had to spend saturday night with very boring people. i spent new yrs with them recently - worst one of my life.
You have yours and I have mine, it isn't rocket science! This is what we need to understand in a relationship, we can't impose our friends on others, its kiddish.
well, I am from the school of thought that my friends need not be his and vice versa. BUT, I do think making a minimunm effort to socialize once in a while is alright...u know, like we attend weddings or functions dragged us to when we were younger....if it has to be done, do it!
Why expect to have a great time like with ur friends, if they're not your friends! But they're im portant to someone u love, so for his sake, grin and bear it. And u can always go back to your friends for a laugh later on!
Catty Fisher: Devil and the deep blue, that long distance versus hanging in the same town with an unhinged jing bang, if ye know whad i mean.
As for boring new years, you've had worse. With me. As per the email I sent to refresh your memory. Ok enough inside jokes.
The Mystic: Um, yes. Except it becomes a little less straight forward when no one's forcing anyone to hang with nobaady. I'm telling you, this being an adult can really hurt your innards!
Chandu: Perfectly sensible = you. But woh, you know, grin and bear it kar kar ke na my cheeks are pleading for mercy:P
Anon: True dat. And you are?
I have never understood, as to why do all girlfriends of the world believe their BF is the greatest geek ever and everyone around is being manipulative and getting there computer problems resolved from him? :D
Then grab some candy canes :D
Kshitij: 'Greatest' geek is debatable but all girlriends ARE right when they know a man is being manipulated. If you were a woman, you'd be spot on, too:)
Myster: Because sugar is the antithesis of adult hood? So sad for grown ups with a sweet tooth.
You shouldn't have to force yourself into having 'fun' with your BF's friends BUT as the cliche goes--all relationships need work. I don't know if it spells doom for your relationship or not, but every small effort towards making the other person happy counts. If meeting his friends once in a while makes things better overall for your two, and is not overly painful for you- then why the hell not?
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